


Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [23]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky's a goddamn mess, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Everybody Suffers, Jealousy, Loki's a goddamn mess, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Movie(s), Rescue Missions, Sam mostly has his shit together though so there's that, Steve is also a goddamn mess, Track Down Your Brainwashed Friend Missions, a lot of men crying, is this a plot or something, sort of, this fic will probably get a follow up dramatic sighs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 19:34:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1659956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SHIELD goes down in flames, Steve's best friend is back, and Loki's starting to wonder if this is the end as he knows it. Steve just wants to keep everything together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> That didn't take me as long as I expected, is about all I can say for this installment. That and the fact that my beta sent it back to me requesting emotional damages. So you know. In other news, how about that Winter Soldier movie? I think I need to go see it again, and maybe around six more times. (Raise your hand if you _missed the point_ and got Steve/Loki feelings in the theater.)
> 
> If you're following my tumblr, you know that this is far from the last installment of this series. I have at least four more planned. At least. In the continuing saga of "Did Lise Ever Have Control of Her Life? Probably Not." For the moment, however, I hope you enjoy this one. And by "enjoy" I mean " _there are so many men crying here_ oh my god." 
> 
> With many thanks to my beta, [zaataronpita](http://zaataronpita.tumblr.com), who continues to put up with my many and varied neuroses.
> 
> Also note that I published this in two chapters, mostly because of neurotic formatting reasons.
> 
> NOTE: There is now [art](http://portraitoftheoddity.tumblr.com/image/157018749464) of the last scene of this fic by [portraitoftheoddity](http://portraitoftheoddity.tumblr.com)! Go look how beautiful it is!

“Someone killed Nick Fury,” Steve said.

He sounded tired, and tense, voice faintly clipped. Loki found that more concerning than the fact that the one-eyed Midgardian was dead. It was not surprising, surely; the man was powerful, and powerful men made enemies. Nonetheless, Steve sounded unhappy, and so Loki tried to summon up at least some sincerity for his, “I am sorry.”

Steve breathed out through his nose, audibly. “No, you’re not. But that’s not…why I called.” Some strain slipped into his voice. “I think something’s going on here. Something’s…I can’t say a whole lot.” Loki could almost hear Steve fidget. “But I wanted you to know that I’m going to be in Washington, D.C. a little longer.”

Loki felt a warning prickle down his spine and pushed himself up to a sitting position. “Perhaps I should come join you.”

“No,” Steve said, at once, his voice emphatic. “No, that’s not…that’s not a good idea.” Steve paused. “I’ve got this, all right? You just…take care of yourself. I’ll keep in touch.”

Worry made Loki’s stomach turn uneasily. If some plot was afoot, and Steve found himself in the middle of it… “Keep Romanova close,” he said, tonelessly. Steve said nothing, and Loki felt himself tense. “Captain?”

“Give me a minute,” Steve said, and it took Loki a moment to realize it must be addressed to someone else. A moment later, his voice a little harder, “got it.”

“Headquarters is calling me back in,” he said. “I have to go. I’ll talk to you soon.”

_Be careful,_ Loki thought, but merely said, “you had better.”

He returned to his reading, setting his phone aside.

Perhaps two hours later, he was interrupted by Stark’s computer’s voice asking if he was watching the news. When Loki answered in the negative, it was Stark’s voice that responded.

“Get down to floor six ASAP,” he said, his voice tight and grim. “We’ve got a problem.”

* * *

He and Stark did not like each other, and probably never would, but Stark’s usual expression of wary dislike was as absent as his usual grating smile when Loki met him on the sixth floor. “SHIELD is going after Steve,” he said, without preamble. Loki froze, and in the instant before he could move, Stark added, “he’s gone off the grid, same with Natasha.”

Loki felt his jaw tighten. “That’s obviously not a problem for me,” he said, already gathering his magic. Forget what Steve had said. If his own people had turned on him, there was no reason for Loki not to burn a path through them to ensure that Steve did not meet the same fate as Director Fury. He suddenly very much doubted this was unlinked. “If you’ll excuse me-”

“You want to _wait_ two seconds, Almighty and Powerful God? First off, do you want to start a bloodbath? Cause that’s what’s going to happen if you leave this building. Or if I do, or if Bruce does. This not mentioning the fact that apparently they’ve got something in reserve out there that’ll do something nasty even to the _Hulk._ ”

Alarm bells were shrilling in Loki’s head. His first thought was of Thor, though he pushed it down. Why did Thor have to be gone _now?_ And Barton as well…someone had timed this well. Meticulously. “SHIELD has turned on you,” he said. “I don’t know why you’re surprised. I, for one, am not going to be intimidated by petty _threats-_ “

“And when they follow you right to him?” Stark said, interrupting. “What then?”

“I’ll kill them,” Loki said, through his teeth.

“Nice to see you haven’t changed that much,” Stark said, voice bitterly sardonic. “Though somehow I don’t _really_ think acquiring a mass murderer as a sidekick is really going to help Steve get out of this. And besides, you don’t think if they’ve figured out something to put down Bruce they _might_ have something to deal with you? There was an awful lot of ruined castle lying around, and I’m just saying if someone went digging through it for a lab-”

Loki felt himself blanch. The still lingering scars on his chest, too slow to heal, twinged faintly. His hands curled into fists. “Why call me here, then,” Loki said, through his teeth, “if you only meant to tell me to sit on my hands while _your government_ threatens _my lover-_ ”

“My _friend,_ if you’re forgetting,” Stark said, his voice rising a notch. “And I figured you might _want_ to know and that you’d be smart enough not to make any stupid choices, which, I guess that was the wrong call-”

Loki took a step forward, temper flaring and lips peeling back from his teeth. “You _dare-_ ”

“Guys,” said a deceptively mild voice from the doorway, and Loki felt himself freeze again, an unavoidable tendril of fear running down his spine. “Maybe we should all…take it down a notch.” If it had been anyone else, Loki thought he would have screamed at them. _Steve is in_ danger. _Do you think SHIELD would be unwilling to kill him if they thought it served them?_

Steve had trusted SHIELD, Loki thought, but no, come to think of it…he didn’t know that Steve had. He would have liked to, and he never spoke openly against them to Loki, but…

His left hand worked open and closed. “What’s going on,” he asked, flatly. “Tell me _exactly…_ ”

“News is pretty garbled.” Stark started pacing again. “Standard vague line – Steve Rogers aka Captain America is in possession of vital information for national security, etcetera, etcetera. Nobody’s saying SHIELD but _come on._ ” He stiffened. “Barton-”

Loki noticed the shift to last names. “No,” he said, before Stark could finish voicing his suspicion. “Else why do this while he is out of the country? I suspect this is a coup.” There was a phone in his pocket, but he already knew that if Steve could call him he would have. He remembered the argument he and Steve had had about a more precise tracking spell. An argument he’d chosen to respect.

He wished he had not.

“Whoever killed Nick Fury is inside SHIELD,” Stark said, flatly. “And Steve put it together and now they’re after Steve. It’s the only thing that makes sense. What I don’t get is how they _actually think_ people are going to buy Captain fucking America, fugitive from justice-”

“They don’t,” Loki said. His chest felt tight and he kept trying to calculate the risks, the danger, the possibilities. _Go to Steve and take him somewhere far away from here._ He would never forgive Loki that. _All you’ll do now is make him conspicuous. Vulnerable._ “Whatever move they’re making is going to be made quickly. All they need is enough confusion to-” he took a breath through his nose and finished, “-make him disappear quietly. They can explain the how, the why, later. Or not at all.”

Banner took a sharp breath through his nose. “Has anyone tried to call Clint? I’m going to try to call Clint,” he said, and left the room again. Loki’s magic rose up under his skin, yearning to be used.

“Jesus fuck,” Stark muttered. “So the US’s most powerful intelligence agency’s into something dirty. Or else Steve’s been replaced by a body-snatcher. Okay, okay…”

_He’s going to get himself killed,_ whispered a small voice at the back of Loki’s mind. _And you’ll be stuck here, doing nothing. Useless, while his own people pull him to pieces._

He whirled with a yell, lashing out blindly, a concussive wave of magic slamming into one of the walls hard enough that most of the floor shook and the drywall cracked. Stark jumped back, and through the buzzing in his ears Loki heard the computer inquire if he needed the suit.

“Hey, Hornhead,” Stark said, “If you break any of my walls I swear to fuck I will put you in time out.”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” Loki said. He could feel his muscles tremble with each inhale. “I find my patience is a little _short._ ”

Banner returned. “No answer,” he said. “Either he doesn’t have a signal wherever they sent him or he’s off the grid.”

“Or worse,” Loki said grimly, because Stark wouldn’t say it. “If they’re willing to target _Captain America,_ how safe do you think the rest of you are?”

Banner’s throat bobbed. He didn’t look nervous, though. He looked angry, and Loki was distantly grateful for his control.

“I cannot – _will_ not – stay here idly and allow them to-”

“Loki,” Banner said, to his surprise, his voice quiet but firm. “Anything you do now is just going to make things worse for Steve. Tony put it a little bluntly, but he’s right. One of the strongest weapons Steve has right now is his good name and the fact that people know him as a hero.”

Loki’s lips peeled back from his teeth and he snarled wordlessly. “And I have no place in that image.” Banner was right, and he knew it. He was a liability. Even if he went to Steve’s side, even if he wasn’t followed, the moment he acted he would be a weapon they could use. Even in disguise, the moment he used his magic…

“You’re not wrong,” Stark said. Loki wheeled on him.

“And what about you?” he snarled. “You have no taint of _villainy_ and yet here you stand, the both of you, doing _nothing-_ “

“I’ve had JARVIS running on hacking into the headquarters database since before I called you down here,” Stark said, voice rising. “And other than that, SHIELD has made it _pretty damn clear_ that if I go for one of the suits they’re going to have me in lockdown as an accomplice to whatever it is they think Steve’s doing, where I’d be as _useless_ as you are-”

Loki took a sharp step toward Stark, not sure what he meant to do with the magic he called on, half shaped, but Banner’s hand caught his arm even as it raised, and when he looked around, anger flaring, he caught just a hint of green in the man’s eyes.

“How about we not do the infighting thing,” Banner said, too mildly. “Loki, I think you should go back upstairs.”

Something like a growl vibrated in Loki’s chest. “Back to my cell.”

“Your floor,” Banner corrected, but though his voice remained calm his expression was set. “We’ll keep you updated.”

_I will not be sent away like a child,_ he wanted to snap. _I will not be treated like a petulant stripling, kept out of your counsels, out of your way-_

The faint touch of green in Banners’ eyes warned him. Steve would not thank him for picking a fight with his friends.

He wheeled and stalked out of the room, jerking his arm out of Banner’s grasp, and took the stairs instead of the elevator. He didn’t stop at the eleventh floor, though, instead climbing all the way up to the roof, fuming.

When Sin had taken Steve before, he had been able to do something. But now he was trapped, _useless_ as Stark had named him, and Steve was out there fighting for his life. Even a telepathic sending might distract him at a key moment.

The sun was starting to set. Steve was mortal, but he was strong. _Call on me,_ Loki thought. _Let me help you,_ but he’d spoken the truth himself. _There is no place for me in that image._

He paced to the edge of the building and looked down. There were two black cars parked on the street in front of the tower. He could not see their occupants from here. There was a news helicopter hovering conspicuously just a few buildings away. Loki bared his teeth at them and hoped they were watching.

The helicopter banked and moved away, though it didn’t go far. They were being watched. Loki wondered if Steve would back down if he was threatened. He didn’t _think_ so, but Steve was…

The scars on his chest twinged again, as if in warning. Or as a reminder that he was not invulnerable, even to mortals. _I will not be a weapon for you to use against him,_ he thought ferociously. _I will not allow you to harm Steve Rogers. Not through me, not at all._

He knew too well how much his determination had mattered, historically.

Loki swallowed his fear and retreated back inside.

* * *

Stark and Banner called him back down when the end came. They were not alone, this time, a woman Loki vaguely recognized as Stark’s Pepper Potts sitting with him.

He watched the helicarriers plummet out of the sky on the television screen, a great conflagration above the city falling ponderously toward it, and thought, _well, Steve, you’ve outdone me_ with a strange kind of numbness.

“Oh God,” Bruce said, barely audible.

_Where are you,_ Loki wanted to demand, leaning forward, but he already knew where Steve would be. In the middle of it. He realized belatedly that he wasn’t breathing. The news reporter was still talking, high and shrill, about this unexpected disaster over SHIELD headquarters, is this connected somehow to Captain America’s recent actions? Or the shootout on the highway yesterday? Either way-

Loki wasn’t listening. His eyes were fixed on the screen as though he might be able to find one small human figure amidst the flames, and he couldn’t stay sitting here, watching this.

“It’s Steve,” Stark said, tense as a wire. “He’s got to be okay. Guy survived seventy years on ice…”

“What about Natasha?” Banner asked quietly. Stark shook his head.

“She’d already be out.” He sounded a little too staunchly sure. “She’s too smart to get in the middle of an explosion.”

Loki’s lungs wouldn’t inflate fully. _He’s not dead. It’s not possible. I will not permit it._

The last few pieces of burning wreckage plunged into the water and went out. The voice of the announcer, frantic and confused, went silent. Loki felt his stomach roil in the sudden and complete silence. He thought vaguely of teleporting himself into the river, swimming through the falling wreckage, looking for one man.

“Oh my god,” Potts said, her hands over her mouth. “What just…”

“Apparently Steve…he said that SHIELD’s been a front for HYDRA all along,” Banner said. His voice sounded numb. “Since the war.”

“They had target locks on us for about a minute,” Stark said. His voice was equally toneless. “I don’t think the Avengers were going to make it to the New HYDRA Order. Then…” He cleared his throat, gestured at the screen. “Kaboom. Goodbye, SHIELD-slash-HYDRA.”

_HYDRA,_ Loki thought, and hated. He should have killed more of them. He should have brought Sin’s entire building down around their ears, and then scoured the rest of this realm for the remainder. It would have been worth Steve’s hatred and he would be _here…_

Potts’ phone buzzed. She pulled it out of her pocket and stared at it for a moment before answering. “Hello?” she said, her voice impressively composed for all it trembled slightly. She blinked once, and then set the device down on the table. “You’re on speaker,” she said, sounding shell-shocked.

“Hello, boys.” Romanov’s voice came through, slightly tinnily. “I’m guessing you’ve seen the news.”

“ _Jesus Christ,_ ” Stark exhaled, and then let out a wan laugh. “Hey, Agent Romanov. Does this mean you’re out of a job?”

“Steve,” Loki said, unable to hold it back through their banter. “The Captain. Is he with you?”

There was a long pause. “No,” she said, at length. “We’ve already got…people sweeping for him, though. No word yet.” She hesitated for a long moment, then added, “he was on the last helicarrier when everything went…”

Loki’s knees felt weak. _He’s not dead,_ he thought, and could almost hear Doom’s voice whispering in his buzzing ears. He felt like Mjolnir was sitting on his chest, refusing to let him breathe.

He lost the next few lines of conversation, blinking in confusion to find that Banner was easing him into a chair. He expected anger, or denial, or something, but all he could feel was a sort of numb hollowness in his chest. “That he hasn’t turned up yet doesn’t mean he’s not alive,” Banner was saying, voice quiet, almost soothing. “It’s like Tony said. Steve’s a survivor.”

_Where is Thor,_ Loki thought, like a child, but managed not to say. He wanted Thor’s sturdy presence, Thor’s solid certainty. If Steve was – was…

“Has anyone gotten in touch with Clint?” Romanov asked. Bruce raised his voice.

“No,” he said. “I couldn’t reach him. Tried a few times.”

“You wouldn’t have the right numbers,” Romanov said. “I’ll track him down and get him back here.” She paused. “What’s Loki doing?”

Loki thought he ought to resent being spoken about as though he weren’t there. He couldn’t summon up the appropriate feeling. “Just sitting there, mostly,” Stark said, after a moment.

“Does he still have that tracking spell on Steve?”

Loki swallowed through what felt like a tightening throat. “Yes,” he said, making his voice respond. “I’d have to travel there to get a more precise…”

“Hold on,” Romanov said. “I’m getting another call. I’ll be right back.” She hung up.

Loki could feel Banner looking at him. Could almost feel his pity, and didn’t want it. Each inhale was a battle he felt like he was losing. “I should go,” he said. “I can find him faster…” Even if it was only a body. Broken and bloody and-

Potts’ phone buzzed again. She lunged for it. “Yes?” she said, voice urgent and nearly breathless.

“We found him,” Romanov said.


	2. no hope, no harm; just another false alarm

Steve came home on a Tuesday.

He was battered and bruised and still wearing a few stitches at the corner of his mouth, but he moved without obvious discomfort, flanked by Romanov on one side and a stranger Loki recognized from some of the videos online. Loki watched him greet his friends from one of the corners of the lobby, hidden by the shadows and a suggestion that he remain unobserved. He thought Romanov’s eyes might have caught on him briefly, but she said nothing.

He watched the stranger, who introduced himself as Sam Wilson and stuck close by Steve’s side, an unknown variable. He noticed the easy way he spoke, smiled, laughed, and the way he periodically glanced in Steve’s direction as though checking up on him, and felt a peculiar tugging feeling under his sternum.

Loki left them to their greetings and retreated to his rooms to wait, wondering if Steve would come alone. He paced back and forth until the knock on his door came – not long after – and then nearly flung it open. Steve looked faintly startled, the bruising on his face more visible up close, the stitches by his mouth, the healed cuts by his hairline…

“You weren’t downstairs,” Steve said, sounding almost hesitant.

 _You scared me,_ Loki thought. _I couldn’t help you, I was trapped here, only able to catch glimpses of you. I thought…_ “I didn’t want to interrupt your reunion with your friends,” he said, his voice sounding strangely cool in his own ears. Steve’s eyebrows pulled together.

“You know that includes you too,” he said, quietly, and something twanged in Loki’s chest.

He reached out and dragged Steve through the doorway and into a kiss, fingers gripping the front of his shirt almost painfully tightly. Steve made a small noise and then his arms were around Loki’s waist and he was kissing back with equal fervor, and Loki only pulled away when Steve made a faint noise and Loki remembered that he was still bruised. He drew back quickly, though his fingers didn’t release Steve’s shirt as fast. “Steve-”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said at once. “I’m sorry I didn’t call...we didn’t know what they could and couldn’t use to track us, and I was worried about sending people after you, getting you in trouble…”

“Stop,” Loki said. “Don’t…I know. I know.” He shook his head, jerkily. “I saw the news reports. It isn’t me you should have been worried about.”

Steve stepped in close again, pulling Loki into an embrace, leaning his head on his shoulder. “I’m just glad you’re all right,” he said, and something was strange about his voice, but Loki couldn’t push on it just yet. Focusing, rather, on breathing in the faint distinctive smell of his Captain, overlaid with the antiseptic scent of this realm’s healers. _I nearly wasn’t,_ he thought. _If you hadn’t survived, I still don’t know what I would have done._

“I am,” he said, instead, making himself release Steve’s shirt only to put his arms around his shoulders. “Everything is fine.”

Steve’s face remained resting on his shoulder, his head bowed. He seemed tired, Loki thought, and not just the weariness of battle and recent injury. Something deeper. He remembered the look in Steve’s eyes, something wounded. Maybe it was Fury’s death, but Loki didn’t think…

“Can I sit down?” Steve mumbled, and Loki felt a flash of shame.

“Of course, I-”

“With you,” Steve added, one of his rare interruptions, and Loki hesitated. His instincts hadn’t been off, something _was_ wrong, and his heart sank a little. Loki drew them both into the room, closing the door quietly, and sat them down on the couch.

“Turn around,” he said, after a moment of quiet. “You are making _my_ shoulders hurt.”

Steve turned his back and Loki started on his shoulders, pushing his thumbs in on either side of his spine. Steve’s head dropped forward and he let out a quiet breath. Loki considered pushing him and had just decided against it when Steve said quietly, “Bucky’s alive.”

Loki’s hands stilled and he just managed not to let his breath catch. The bottom dropped out of his stomach, panic clawing up his throat, and he shoved it all down, spreading his fingers out over Steve’s back. “You don’t sound overjoyed,” he said, cautiously.

“It’s not…” Steve paused. “It’s complicated,” he said, voice almost a plea, and Loki made himself keeps his hands moving. _It means nothing,_ he told himself, but that felt like the most transparent of lies. “He…HYDRA, they…” He inhaled, and Loki heard it shake slightly. “He doesn’t remember me. He doesn’t remember _himself._ I should never have-”

“Steve,” Loki said, an awful clenching feeling in his stomach, and he pushed his thumbs in hard enough to make him gasp. “Stop that. It isn’t your fault.” Steve shook his head, and Loki tightened his grip. “It is _not._ ” He bit the inside of his cheek and hesitated before saying, “tell me what happened.”

“HYDRA’s been using him as a weapon since the war,” Steve said, his voice tight. “Calling him the Winter Soldier. When Nick…Director Fury…started putting things together…”

Loki felt his body tense. “And then they sent him after you.” He heard the cold note slide into his voice. He’d seen the footage, nails digging into his palms hard enough to break skin. “The man with the metal arm who tried to kill you, Romanova, and Wilson.”

“Loki,” Steve said, something faintly reproachful in his voice, and Loki shook his head sharply.

“No, go on.”

Steve pulled away from him and turned around, eyebrows knitted together, and Loki fought to keep his face expressionless. “I have to go find him,” he said. “I can’t leave him out there, alone, confused-”

 _Dangerous,_ Loki thought. “He tried to kill you,” he said before thinking, and saw in the flicker in Steve’s eyes though he didn’t say it _so did you._ He glanced aside. “Surely you can understand my being a touch conflicted about the matter.”

“I know,” Steve said, rubbing his temples. “I _understand_ , but…Bucky was – _is –_ my best friend. He was there for me long before I was anybody, and I’m not going to give up on him.” Loki recognized that tone of voice, rigid and stubborn. He knew there was no arguing with it. That didn’t mean he didn’t want to. _Selfish hypocrite._

“Tell me the rest,” Loki said, pushing it down. He could see Steve hurting, and that mattered more.

Steve seemed to slump. “When I called you, I knew something was wrong. I didn’t know how much. If I had…” he shook his head. “I don’t know what I could have done differently. It all happened so fast. The helicarriers…HYDRA was going to use them to kill a few million people, _undesirables,_ I guess. We had to take them down. On the last one, Bucky and I, we…” He trailed off. Loki reached out with his magic and let it wash through Steve’s body, registering the faint remains of invisible damage, and two healed puckers he now recognized as the mark of bullets.

 _You almost died. He almost killed you._ Loki recognized the cold, hard feeling deep in his gut for what it was, and wrapped himself around it to keep it contained. “How did you get out?” He asked, too quietly, already knowing he wouldn’t like the answer.

Steve swallowed. “I fell.” Those two words, enough to make Loki want to pull Steve against his chest and hold him there hard, weave very protective spell he could think of into his skin until he _glowed_ with them. “Into the river. I…don’t really remember after that.”

Loki brought his hand up to brush over Steve’s cheekbone and felt him flinch even though the deep bruise was all that lingered of worse. _Did you even fight him,_ he wanted to demand. _Did you even_ try, _or did you just lie down, willing to accept your own martyrdom?_ “You could have died,” he said, aloud, and realized too late that his voice gave away too much. Too much fear. Too much anger. Steve’s glance at him wasn’t quite sharp.

“A lot of people could’ve,” he said, but then his voice softened a little. “Loki…”

“I know,” Loki said, harsher than he meant to. He tried to moderate his voice. “I know. You do what you must. That is who you are.” _And that is why you will leave. Perhaps not tonight, perhaps not even tomorrow, but you will find your friend wherever he is and bring him back to you by sheer force of will, and he has always been the shadow on your heart but now-_

“That doesn’t matter right now,” he made himself say. “You’re here. You’re safe.” _Let me have you, just for a little longer._

Steve seemed to slump, slightly, and when Loki shifted to close the distance between them he slid his arms around Loki’s waist again and pulled him in, holding him almost a little too tightly. His breathing was a little shaky. _You’ll find him,_ Loki knew he was supposed to say. _He’ll come back to you,_ but the words stuck in his throat.

* * *

“Are you going to introduce me to your new friend?” Loki asked, running his fingers through Steve’s hair.

“New – oh, you mean Sam.” He could almost hear Steve smile. “I’d like to at some point. He’s a good guy.”

Loki did not let himself tense and hated the bitter flash of jealousy that burned through him. _A good man. I will never be that_. “Does he know about me?”

“You mean…what do you mean?” Steve spoke carefully, Loki noticed, like he felt the ground shifting uneasily under his feet. He pushed out an exhale.

“Does he know you have a…beau? And who that is?” He asked, with delicacy. “I would be greatly surprised if he hadn’t at least _heard_ my name. I wasn’t that subtle.” He felt Steve shift, as he always did at reminders of Loki’s attack on his realm. Loki wondered what he thought, but never quite dared ask.

“Yeah,” Steve said, after a moment. “I told him.”

“Then what is keeping you from introducing me?”

Steve was quiet for a long moment. “We’re going back to Washington,” he said, finally. “In the next couple days. Natasha’s pulling some information for me, and then…I need to start looking.”

“For the Winter Soldier,” Loki said. Not even a day, some part of him whispered. He couldn’t even give you that much time before he rushes off to replace you.

“For Bucky,” Steve said, his correction slightly sharp. “He’s out there somewhere. Confused, alone. I need to help him.”

 _Of course you do,_ Loki thought. _That is what you do. Are you even aware of what is going to happen, Captain?_ Something stirred in Loki’s chest. Dark and ugly and strangling. His voice sounded distant when he said, “and when you find him?”

Steve pulled away just enough to turn and look at Loki, starting to frown. “When I find him what?”

“What will you do?” Loki asked. Steve searched his face, but Loki kept his features carefully blank.

“I’ll help him,” Steve said, after a moment, with determination. “Help him remember who he is.”

“What if the Winter Soldier is who he is now?”

Steve sat up, his expression flashing between confusion and hurt and a touch of anger. “That’s not – he’s _not._ Why would you-” He shook his head. “Loki, what’s this about?”

Loki felt himself smile thinly. “Not me, Captain. I am simply trying to ascertain your plans.”

Steve’s eyes narrowed. “That’s not true. Something’s bothering you. Is this about – I’m not throwing myself into danger, Loki. I _need_ to do this, to help my friend. Bucky’s always been there for me.”

“He tried to _kill_ you,” Loki said, a hard edge sliding into his voice. Steve shook his head, mouth tightening.

“It wasn’t _him._ HYDRA brainwashed him, did God knows what to him-”

“And if he tries to kill you again?” Loki could hear his voice rising. “What will you do? Will you _let_ him kill you while you try to summon something that may well be _dead?_ ”

“ _Someone_ pulled me out of the river,” Steve said. “And I know I saw-”

“You saw what you wanted to see,” Loki snapped. “Because your guilt won’t let you admit that your friend _died_ and what is left now is a killer.”

Steve’s jaw tightened. “You know,” he said, standing up jerkily, “that sounds an awful lot like what I’ve heard people say to Thor. About _you._ ”

Loki felt his face freeze. He rose, slowly. “If you have something to say,” he said, coolly, “say it.”

Steve ran his fingers through his hair. “You’re – acting bizarre, Loki. I get that you were worried, but I need you to understand how much I need to do this. But you’re getting-” Steve made a weird gesture. “I don’t know, but you’ve been tense since I told you that Bucky was alive and now you’re acting downright cruel.”

Loki’s mouth twisted. “That shouldn’t be a surprise, then.”

Steve jerked back, physically, and Loki felt a pang of regret and nearly apologized, but then Steve burst out, “what the hell is _wrong_ with you?” and the regret twisted into something uglier.

“Nothing more than usual,” he said, coldly. Steve let out a harsh breath of mirthless laughter.

“I’m really not in the mood to play guessing games right now, Loki. I thought you would understand why I need to find Bucky. You more than anyone should be able to see how important it is to have-”

“What,” Loki snapped, interrupting. “To have someone to rescue one from oneself? Are you referring to yourself or Thor?”

“I don’t – _stop it._ ” Steve took a step back, like he needed to get some distance. From him. “You’re acting like – I don’t know. If you don’t want me to go then just say so and we can talk about it-”

“Was I not clear enough?” Loki interrupted. “Fine, then. I do not want you to go.”

Steve took what was clearly a calming breath. “All right. Why not? Because it’s dangerous? This isn’t any more dangerous – probably _less_ dangerous – than most of the missions I go on. So what is it about this that’s got you so…wound up?”

“In other battles I can at least feel confident that you will _fight_ your enemy.”

“Bucky’s not my enemy,” Steve said, his voice sharpening again. “He’s my best friend, my oldest friend-”

“And thus what I want does not matter, the instant you see a chance to martyr yourself in his name?” Loki could feel his breathing quicken, something between anger and panic rising up in his chest. “All you’re going to find is the weaponized shell of the man you once knew, and you _know_ it. Do you think letting that kill you will bring your dead friend back?”

Steve took a sharp step in Loki’s direction. “You didn’t know him and you _don’t_ get to talk about him like that.”

Loki felt his lips curl into a sharp, nasty smile. “What are you going to do to stop me? Hit me?”

“What? No-”

“Why did you even bother to come back here?” Loki demanded. “When all you planned was to turn around and go running off again?”

“I was planning to get _permission_ to take you _with_ _me!_ ” Steve yelled, his whole body tense, and it was Loki’s turn to jerk back as though he’d been slapped in the face. For a moment he was silenced. “But if you’re so against it - _fine._ ”

“Steve,” Loki said, only to cut off as Steve shook his head sharply.

“I have to go,” he said, shortly. “We’ll talk later, okay? I just…I can’t do this right now.” He stepped back and turned, hand lifting toward his forehead and then dropping back down. “I have to go.” Steve paused briefly at the door. Nothing came to Loki’s tongue to say, though, and Steve closed the door quietly behind him.

 _You idiot,_ Loki thought viciously, staring at the closed door. _You utter fool._ He felt sick. They hadn’t fought like that – Steve hadn’t spoken to him like that – in some time. Loki could almost feel the cracks widening. _He wanted to save you like he didn’t manage to save his friend. And now?_ Steve might be back, he thought bleakly, but not for long. And what if he died, refusing to fight the creature that had been his friend? Steve believed that all things could be fixed. Loki knew that some things could not.

Maybe there was still something he could do, but the pit yawning in Loki’s stomach made him feel sickeningly certain that he’d lost the moment Steve’s old friend had come back from the dead.

If he’d lost Steve’s heart, though, he thought grimly, at least he could make certain that Steve didn’t lose his life.

* * *

Loki had done his research on Bucky Barnes.

It had been part of his meticulous and thorough dissection of Steve Rogers, what seemed now like some time ago. At first it was just information gathering, and then it became a means of satisfying curiosity, and finally it was an attempt to find something that would dispel the fixation.

Obviously that hadn’t worked out.

The Winter Soldier, however…he knew very little about the Winter Soldier, and his tentative searches for information were not landing him much. And if Steve caught him looking…

He paced restlessly around the interior of his rooms. He knew, or at least understood conceptually, how much Barnes meant to Steve. It must feel like a reprieve, having this chance to reclaim his companion, now tragically lost on a dark road, victim of cruel men who had molded him for their purpose.

Loki could see how it would appeal.

He wondered, darkly, if this had happened before if Steve would still have reached out to him, if any of this would have happened had he had the companion he truly wanted at his side. He could not quite silence the voice in his head that informed him callously that it was likely not. That he had managed to snare Steve because the man was lonely and addicted to helping people, and that was all.

Loki wished that Barnes could just have stayed dead. It would be easier for everyone.

Someone knocked on his door around midday, and Loki jerked to his feet. “Who is it,” he asked, checking himself before he rushed to open it, half of him expecting it to be Steve. It was Thor’s voice that answered, however.

“May I speak with you?”

Loki breathed out through his nose. His mood was already poor, and talking to Thor when he was in a poor mood never tended to go well. And oddly enough, of late, he’d had little urge to expel his cruelty at his sometime-brother. Perhaps he was becoming a kinder, more tolerant person.

Then it occurred to him that if anyone was going to bring him bad news, it would be Thor, and he opened the door in a rush. “Is everything-”

“Steve Rogers is fine,” Thor said, and Loki would have hated that he was so predictable but for the rush of relief. He tried to pretend he did not see the brief flash across Thor’s face, not quite hurt. “It is not…I do not have any particular news. I just returned, and I was told…Steve told me what happened.”

Loki felt a curl of anger in his chest, mingled with something else he didn’t want to name, and felt his mouth twist. “Are you here to chide me, then?”

“No,” Thor said, giving him a frown. “And I will thank you not to assume the worst of me immediately.”

Loki could not apologize. He stepped back, instead. “Fine. You may speak with me. It is not as though I am otherwise occupied.”

His rooms seemed to shrink with Thor in them. Loki retreated to the kitchen where he picked up his half empty glass of wine that did nothing but make him wish there were something stronger. Thor peered around with evident curiosity, but he focused on Loki quickly enough. Rather than asking a question or launching into a lecture, however, Thor just looked at him, like he was waiting for something.

“What do you want?” Loki asked, an itch starting between his shoulder blades.

“I wished to talk to you,” Thor said. “Steve was clearly upset.”

“So you wanted to know what I did?” Loki challenged, and Thor’s expression flashed with irritation briefly, but he visibly suppressed it.

“No,” he said. “I thought perhaps you would want to speak to someone other than Steve about this…news. Why it has upset you so.” Thor’s eyes were earnest and focused, attentive, and for all the time Loki had spent seeking his attention sometimes it felt like too much when it was truly on him. “Would it not help?”

Loki stumbled over that and just stared at Thor. “Why?” he asked, eventually.

Thor seemed taken aback by the question. “I do not like seeing you and Steve at odds,” he said, after a few moments. “And I…want to be helpful to you.” He looked down. “I know you say that I should not think of the past, but I remember confiding everything in you, once, and how often you had words that helped get me out of a problem – even if it was one you had gotten me into. Perhaps I can do the same for you, now.”

Sometimes Loki wondered if, for Thor, it really was that simple, or if he just wanted it to be. He had no idea. For someone so seemingly straightforward, of late Thor had done nothing but surprise him. Loki was not altogether certain that he liked it.

He set his glass of wine down and turned his back. “I should think it obvious why I am _upset._ ” He let the word speak volumes. “The Captain is endangering himself on a reckless pursuit likely to cause him nothing but pain.”

He could almost hear Thor frown. “Surely the best way to prevent such an outcome would be to accommodate his wishes?  He will not change his mind...I remember you used to join me when I would refuse to turn back from a course you called foolish, and sometimes you were right and it was your presence which averted disaster.”

Loki turned around, feeling his shoulders draw up. “It is not the same.”

Thor frowned. “How so?”

“Because it is not,” Loki snapped, and opened and closed his right hand, trying to push down the unwanted surge of emotion. He could not lose control, _especially_ not right now.

“That does not seem like much of an argument.”

Loki flashed his teeth at him. “Perhaps you should retire to consider the subtleties you may be missing.”

Thor regarded him calmly, not rising to the bait, and Loki felt himself grow more agitated. He paced over toward the windows, as though the view of this ugly city would grant him some peace from Thor’s smothering presence, from his own seething emotion. “Loki,” Thor said, his voice calm and deep. “Do you truly believe that Steve’s friend cannot be helped?”

“Does it matter what I believe? He will not believe me if I say so,” Loki said, and a touch of bitterness slid into his voice. He heard Thor take a step toward him, and tensed, but it was no more than a step. “I cannot be certain.” Thor was quiet for a few moments, and Loki turned, narrowing his eyes. “What?”

Thor exhaled. “I do not want to pretend that I can know your thoughts.”

“But you think that you do.”

Thor sighed. “I wonder if…I think perhaps it is not that you fear Steve will not be able to bring his friend back to himself, but rather that you fear that he will.”

It was terrifying, Loki thought, how easy it was to forget that Thor had known him longer than anyone. And how easy it was to forget, too, that Thor saw far more than almost anyone realized. One sentence, and Thor had cut through the knot of his thoughts to the very core of his fear. He made himself scoff. “Well, that would be awfully selfish of me.”

“Would it?” Thor said, almost gently, and Loki _hated_ it.

“To begrudge Steve the return of the man he loved above all others?” Loki said, voice dry as dust. His laugh was sharp and slightly shrill. “I think that would be the very definition of selfishness.”

Thor hesitated, again, and then gestured to the chairs. “May I sit down?”

“By all means,” Loki said, his voice clipped, short. “Make yourself at home.”

Thor hesitated, but after a moment he did sit. “What do you think will happen if Steve finds his friend once more?”

Loki laughed mirthlessly. “Do you remember that time when we were fascinated by rabbits and desperately wanted one, and pestered Frigga into getting one? And the next week we found something more interesting to fixate on.”

Thor’s brows furrowed. “I remember. The little creature sickened and died for our neglect.”

Loki smiled thinly and kept his voice sardonic. “I have been the Captain’s pet project, of late. I do not expect that to remain the case with the true object of his affections once more available to him. I do not blame him; I am a troublesome pet at best.”

“You are not a pet,” Thor said, sounding almost defensive. _I have always been someone’s pet,_ Loki thought. _Odin’s, Thanos’, the Chitauri’s, Victor von Doom’s, Steve’s. Yours, sometimes._ He made himself shrug.

“It is a metaphor, Thor.” Loki turned his back again, trailing his fingers along his counter. “There is no need to get offended on my behalf.”

“Do you truly think Steve will leave you?” Thor said, and Loki’s heart twisted in his chest, a flurry of terror making his stomach knot, _no, no, he can’t._ But he knew he _knew…_ would it not be for the best? He had never been…would never be…what Steve deserved. Would it not be better to just let go rather than to cling to something that had never really been his to begin with-

“Why would he not,” Loki said, trying to keep his voice expressionless, but it just came out dull.

“Because he cares for you.” Thor’s voice was firm, and Loki made a kind of scoffing noise under his breath. The next moment, Thor’s hands were on his shoulders, squeezing. “I mean it truly, Loki. Steve cares for you.” _As I care for you,_ Loki heard, but it remained unsaid. “It is not in him to abandon you for…”

“For his _oldest_ and _best_ friend?” Loki interrupted, and pulled away, standing jerkily. “Do not be so optimistic. Steve Rogers _is,_ after all, only human.”

Thor shook his head. “I do not believe he would cast you aside so carelessly. He is grieved at this argument between you. I can see it. Perhaps if you spoke to him about this-”

Loki shoved Thor away and stepped back, barking a laugh. “Ah, yes. Because that sounds _so_ appealing.” _He will not cast me aside,_ Loki thought, trying for savage but only achieving a kind of empty bleakness. _He will just come less and less. Think of me less and less, if he thinks of me at all, if he is not too busy helping his_ true _friend heal. I will be forgotten._ “Besides, I am not so convinced as you think that this man Steve seeks is harmless.”

“You should have more faith in Steve,” said Thor. He didn’t sound quite scolding, but Loki whirled on him with teeth bared anyways.

“By which you mean I should have more faith in you, _brother._ I should think you’d be relieved. Deprived of my only other company, perhaps I would be desperate enough to speak with you more often.” Thor’s expression spasmed, and Loki smiled nastily at him. “I suppose that might not have occurred to you. Too conniving for simple-minded _Thor._ ”

“You are trying to drive me away,” Thor said, his voice carefully measured though Loki could hear the strain in it. “How will that help?”

“Oh, I don’t know. It might,” Loki said, flippantly, and Thor took an audible breath through his nose.

“Loki,” he said, a slight rumble in his voice. “I am trying to help.”

“Here ‘trying’ being the operative word, it would seem,” Loki said, but he didn’t truly want to fight with Thor, and going through the motions of goading him into one was giving him no satisfaction. “I think you should go before this deteriorates any further,” he made himself say. Thor hesitated.

“Loki,” he began, and then stopped, and sighed. “Very well. But I think…I think you should consider it. And have some faith in Steve Rogers’ care for you. Can someone not love more than one person at a time?”

“I’ll consider it,” Loki said blandly. Thor looked at him a moment longer before leaving.

* * *

Steve looked exhausted and unhappy and it made Loki’s chest twinge. “There’s been a sighting,” he said simply, staying in the doorway rather than asking to come in. “Sam and I are heading to DC tonight. Loki, I…” Steve rubbed his face. “I don’t want to argue with you about this. But I don’t want to leave without talking to you, either.”

“Good,” said Loki, and if his tongue felt thick he pushed it down. “Because I wished to…apologize.” The look Steve gave him wasn’t quite one of surprise. Loki gave him a lopsided smile. “I know how important this is to you, Captain. I should not have been so…churlish.”

Steve’s smile was very faint as he raised his eyebrows. “’Churlish?’”

Loki shrugged one shoulder. “For lack of a better word.”

Steve’s shoulders dropped, some of the tension sliding out of him. “I know you’re worried about me. And I know I – scared you, with everything that happened in Washington. But this is…”

“Something you need to do. I know.” Loki summoned a smile, though it didn’t quite feel like it fit on his face. “And like as not, I am wrong. You and Barnes are tied together. Fated, perhaps. And I do not know that anything could truly erase all memory of you.”

Steve’s eyebrows pulled together. “What made you change your mind?”

 _I realized that I can either keep you safe or protect my heart, either choose how you go or wait for you to leave._ Loki glanced away and hoped it looked like embarrassment. “I talked to Thor,” he said, simply, and hoped that Steve would draw his own conclusions. “Every so often he manages to speak _some_ sense.” He looked back to Steve. “I would like to come with you. To…help you.”

Steve seemed startled, though only for a moment, and then he smiled slightly. The expression was uncertain, but it was still a smile. “You know you don’t have to.”

“Of course not,” Loki said. “I only ever do what I wish. And what I wish is not to remain trapped in this tower waiting for your word while you risk your neck. Besides, I’m rather uniquely talented. Perhaps I may be useful.”

Loki wasn’t sure what he’d gotten wrong, but even Steve’s slight smile faded. For a moment he looked like he was going to say something, but then he shook his head. “I guess I don’t need to worry about SHIELD causing us trouble anymore,” he said, a little wryly.

Loki’s smile felt a little thin. “It seems I could have saved you all some trouble,” he said.

Steve laughed, though weakly, and then rubbed the back of his neck and finally stepped across the threshold. “Loki…thank you. I don’t know what’s…no, it doesn’t matter. Thank you. I know you’re not happy about this but that you’re willing to help me find Buck…help him…”

 _What else could I do,_ Loki thought, but felt a small stab of guilt. Steve had always believed better of him than he deserved. “You deserve to have your friend back,” he said, and for once it was perfectly sincere. “If I can help bring him to you…perhaps I can count that something good I will have done, hmm?”

_And if I need to kill him to protect you, so be it._

Steve’s mouth opened, then closed, and then his arms slid around Loki’s waist and Steve pulled him into a kiss, slow and gentle with that undercurrent of fierceness that Loki loved to bring out in him. Steve’s arms were close and strong and his body pressed against Loki’s was warm, and even in the moment all Loki could think was _this, this is what you’re going to lose, this is what you’ll never have again-_

If he found Barnes first and killed him, no one need ever know. He could keep this, all of this. And Steve would go on looking, and grieving, and waiting…

Loki’s heart twisted. No. He was too weak now for that kind of cruelty.

He slid his fingers into Steve’s hair and kissed him back instead, open-mouthed and demanding to feel Steve’s fingers flex into his sides. He let a moan vibrate in his chest and tried to crowd closer like he could fix them here and now as long as he willed.

By the doorway, someone cleared their throat.

Loki tried to pull back faster than Steve did, and even when Steve’s lips pulled away from his he still bent his head to kiss his neck with just a brush of teeth that made Loki shiver. Over his shoulder, Loki could see the stranger, Sam Wilson, standing in the doorway.

“Didn’t know I was going to be interrupting,” he said, after a moment, not quite dryly. At that, Steve did turn around, though he left one arm around Loki’s waist. There was a slight flush on his face, but he appeared to be ignoring it successfully.

Loki wished he could make himself pull away.  

“Sam,” Steve said, and he at least sounded happier. “I wasn’t expecting you to come up.”

“Too full of curiosity,” Wilson said. His gaze moved from Steve to Loki, scrutinizing him, and Loki looked evenly back. “So you’re…huh,” he said, after a moment.

“I suspect introductions would be superfluous,” Loki drawled. “It seems I am somewhat notorious.” Wilson actually seemed to be briefly amused by that, if only briefly, and he glanced to Steve for a moment and then back.

“I told him you were here,” Steve said, somewhere between explanation and apology. “And the…situation.”

Loki wondered what Sam Wilson thought about all of this. About him. Whether he was troubled by the sight of Captain America locking lips with a wanted criminal or if he would accept it with ease. He pushed the questions aside and settled for inclining his chin instead of asking any of them.

Wilson straightened from where he was leaning on the door frame and asked, “can I come in?” Loki noticed that it was directed at him, and not at Steve, and managed to find an excuse to draw away to step forward with a thin, slightly taut smile.

“By all means. Had I known I should be expecting company, I would have made breakfast.” He strolled toward Sam Wilson, noticed the tension in the other man’s body, restrained but still wary. Smart, Loki thought. Whatever Steve had said, Wilson was not ignoring his own instincts. Loki paused a few feet away and offered a hand. “Sam Wilson, yes?”

“Yeah,” Wilson said, taking Loki’s hand after a moment and giving it a brief shake before stepping inside. “Falcon in the field. I’m just here to help that guy do his stuff.”

“Don’t undersell yourself,” Steve said, chidingly, and Loki felt him draw close and resisted the urge to step away. Closeness felt – too exposed. “Sam saved my ass more times than I could count. Natasha and I couldn’t have pulled it off without him.”

Wilson didn’t look abashed. “I helped a little. Maybe. Okay, kind of a lot.” He grinned in Steve’s direction, and Loki felt a pang of jealousy he tried to smother.

“I suppose I should thank you for keeping him alive despite all his best efforts, then,” Loki said, keeping his voice dry. Wilson smiled a little at that, though Loki thought he was still being measured. He didn’t like the feeling.

“Do my best,” Wilson said. Steve shook his head.

“Ganging up on me, huh? Nice, real nice.” Steve hesitated a moment, then added, “but in all seriousness, Sam – Loki wants to join us. Help track down Bucky.”

Something about Wilson’s startled glance made Loki want to twitch. “Really?”

“Surprised?” Loki said, letting one eyebrow rise without any tone to his voice. Wilson eyed him for a moment, then shrugged.

“It’s your mission, Steve. I’m not going to argue.” _Though I think maybe you would like to,_ Loki thought. “Listen, though – we should move fast. The longer we wait, the more likely it is any leads we have will go cold, and the Winter Soldier – Sergeant Barnes – will be in the wind again.”

Loki stepped back. “Then why delay?”

Steve drew himself up and squared his shoulders. “Right,” he said. “Let’s go.”

* * *

The air in the capital still smelled like ash and smoke to Loki’s nose. Rather than going through the effort of changing his entire appearance, Loki simply suggested that he remain unnoticed. He watched the way Wilson’s eyes slid over him once and then snapped back, narrowing.

“I assumed it best for all of us if I remain inconspicuous,” Loki said, mildly.

“Neat trick,” Wilson said, after a moment, and then turned to Steve. “How are we going to do this?”

Loki could almost see Steve put on his ‘professional’ face, though the determination wasn’t a change. “We’ve had four reports. Different places across the city. We split up, stay in contact. Loki, you can move fastest, so take two yourself, and Sam and I will each take one.”

“Are you certain that’s wise?” Loki asked, feeling himself tense. “Your friend doesn’t know me or Mr. Wilson. Nor you,” he added, though he regretted it when he saw Steve’s shoulders tense. “Should he attack…”

“On the other hand,” Wilson said, “Three on one seems more likely to make him bolt. Splitting up makes sense to me, so long as we agree not to start anything without someone as backup.” Loki noted the way that was directed at Steve, and wondered what Wilson’s feelings on this endeavor were.

Steve nodded, the motion just a little tight. “That’s fine. Stay at a distance, don’t engage, and call for backup. I’ll take the area nearby the Smithsonian. Sam…”

“I’ll take the West Side. Which leaves you,” Wilson looked at Loki, “with the river site and the projects.”

“I’m afraid I’m not familiar with either.” He could almost see Steve itching to move, and by the glance Wilson threw in his direction he could see it too.

“Go ahead, Steve,” he said. “I’ll get him up to speed.”

Steve looked back and forth between them, then nodded, though he jogged over and kissed the corner of Loki’s mouth, squeezing his upper arm, and met Loki’s eyes with the kind of earnest force that always made him want to shy away. “Thank you,” he said, quietly, and then turned and jogged off.

Loki watched him go. As soon as he was certain Steve was out of earshot, he said, “something you wanted to say to me in private, Sam Wilson? I hope you’re not planning to threaten.”

“Nah,” Wilson said, after a moment. “Not really my thing.”

“Good.” Loki rolled his shoulders back.

“What do you need to know to get to the right place with your…magic thing?”

Loki resisted the urge to give him a scornful look. “Coordinates would do. Or distance and direction from here, though looking at a map would be better.”

“I can pull up a map on my phone, is that good enough?” Loki inclined his chin a fraction, turning to look at Wilson as he pulled out his device and began tapping away on it. “Maybe it’s just me,” he said, after a few moments, “but I get the feeling you’re not really on board with this whole adventure.”

Loki kept his face neutral. “I respect the Captain’s wishes and beliefs,” he said, keeping his voice relatively absent tone. Wilson made a sort of ‘hmm’ing sound, and then held out his phone.

“Here, see? There’s the river site. It’s near where they found Steve after everything went down, which he doesn’t think is a coincidence. You can zoom in and out by going like-”

“I’m aware.” Loki took the phone and flicked his fingers, memorizing the location and then zooming out to place himself.

“How’m I supposed to guess what technology aliens know,” Wilson said, holding up his hands, but he didn’t look offended, exactly. “This is a whole new level of weird in my life. Should’ve known. You good?”

Loki handed the phone back. “Is there a point you wanted to come to?”

Wilson began tapping something new in, cocking his head to look at Loki out of the corner of his eye. “No judgment, if you were wondering. I mean, I can understand you as Steve’s boyfriend having maybe a few reservations about him taking off after this guy.”

Loki kept his face perfectly still, regarding Wilson cautiously. “You have misgivings of your own,” he said, after a few moments. “Do you think it impossible – or unlikely – that the Captain will manage to reclaim his wayward friend?”

“You know you talk like a…nah, never mind.” Wilson paused in his typing, looked up, and shrugged. “Between you and me…don’t know. My gut says no, but…maybe that’s just a lack of faith. Guy pulls off some crazy shit. At the very least I know I have to let him try, even if privately I think it’s just as likely to end in tears.” Wilson’s eyes settled on him, sharp and attentive. “You know what I mean?”

Loki felt his mouth twist toward something that was not quite a smile. “Why do you think I am here?”

“I don’t know,” Sam Wilson asked, his eyes on Loki. “Why are you here?”

Loki turned his gaze forward. “The same reasons as you, I imagine.”

“Uh huh.” Wilson held out his phone again. “Here’s the projects area. Sure you don’t want to put those down somewhere in case you get lost somewhere while you’re…teleporting?”

“I have a good memory.” Loki glanced at the screen, then cocked his head. “Why _are_ you here, Sam Wilson?”

“Same reasons as you, I imagine,” Wilson echoed. “You’ll need my number, for keeping everyone in the loop. Just put yours in – you know how to do that? – and send me a text. Probably easiest.”

Loki navigated his way to the contacts and after a moment’s hesitation over his surname, just left it at _Loki._ “Have you completed your examination of me?” he asked, just a little dryly. “Do I pass inspection?”

“Not inspecting. Steve’s an adult who can make his own choices.” Wilson shrugged. “Just figuring out who I’m working with.”

“Oh?” Loki filled in his number and handed the phone back. “And who is that?”

“I’ll let you know when I figure it out.” Wilson took his phone back, glanced at it, and tucked it in his pocket. “We should probably get going.”

Loki gave him a thin smile. “Stay in touch.” He twisted away before Wilson could respond.

* * *

Loki went to the river site first.

The mud was fresh but the tracks were too muddled to tell him much of anything. He scoured the riverbank up and down for a half mile anyway, in case anything turned up, but nothing did. About the same time, his phone pinged with a message from Steve that read simply _nothing._

Loki exhaled in very slight relief, and after casting one last look at his surroundings, went to what Wilson had called the projects, which seemed to be what Loki would have less charitably called the poorer quarters of the city.

Wilson hadn’t given him a particular street, so Loki took them in a grid pattern, moving through one at a time. Loki felt the hair on the back of his neck prickle a warning, and when he turned his head fractionally caught just a glimpse of someone following him.

 _Interesting._ Loki thought to wonder, suddenly, how this HYDRA had altered Bucky Barnes. Those whose minds had been directly tampered with by magic were less susceptible to his subtle suggestion that he go ignored. If they had manipulated him with that…

Loki kept moving without letting his pace alter, though he sharpened his attention to his surroundings as he considered what to do. His magic could likely draw Barnes out of hiding, but then what? Kill him? Call Steve and Sam Wilson here to bring him into the fold? Sabotage his own chance at happiness or sabotage Steve, or maybe save him?

Loki kept walking, head cocked to keep aware of the man trailing after him at a safe distance. If it was Barnes…he wasn’t bad. More than respectable. Loki had seen the footage; he was a capable fighter as well.

He stopped when he found a street that was empty and quiet, keeping his back turned, and considered for a moment before saying, “James Barnes.”

There was no answer. He hadn’t really expected one.

“Does that name mean anything to you?” he asked, mildly. “It doesn’t to me, but I believe we share a…mutual friend. Steve Rogers. Perhaps that name is more familiar.”

More silence. Loki turned, and there he was. He looked nothing like the pictures Loki had seen of James Buchanan Barnes, deceased friend of Steve Rogers. He had a tangled mane half in his face and a hood up that cast shadows over his eyes and nose. He was wearing a jacket even in the uncomfortably warm weather, and a pair of gloves, no doubt to mask his metal fingers. Loki cocked his head and tried not to feel a surge of instinctive jealousy.

He tried, for a moment, to imagine what Steve would see, were he standing here. Would he register the changes in his friend or would he see him as he had been?

What would it be like, to believe someone lost so completely and find them again, so changed? A killer out for blood. (A monster, perhaps.)

Loki felt his stomach twist.

“He is looking for you,” Loki said. Something urged him to summon a knife, or simply to lunge, but he kept his hands loose at his sides. “He wants to bring back the man that you were.”

He could only just make out the expression of those wary, half-feral eyes watching him. “Who are you,” the Winter Soldier asked, suddenly, voice grating and strange, like it had gone unused for a time.

Loki shrugged. “No one terribly important.” He stayed where he was, letting his fingers flex. “I’m trying to puzzle out what you want. I suspect you don’t know.”

Barnes said nothing, again, and Loki lifted his chin a fraction.

“But just so you are clear,” he said, after a moment’s silence, “should you harm the Captain – should you lay a single hand on him – I will rip your metal arm off at the shoulder and use it to beat you to death.” He caught something that might have been a flinch, or a twitch. “Understood?”

“Why,” Barnes said, after a moment. “Why does he want to find me?”

“It’s who he is.” Loki gathered his magic. “Remember what I said. If I need to kill you, I will.”

He left without waiting for Barnes’ answer. He felt uncertain, unsteady, and pushed it down. Barnes was warned. If he tried to attack Steve…and if he did not? If he found Steve and only wanted to be helped to get himself back ( _because this isn’t who he_ is, _not like you_ ) then what?

Then he would just have to prepare himself to be alone.

Loki pulled out his phone and sent a message reading _both sites empty_ to Steve and Wilson. Briefly, he found himself wishing that Thor were here. He shoved that thought viciously out of his mind.

* * *

They reconvened at Wilson’s apartment with empty hands. Wilson had run into a few people who might have seen someone who looked a little like the description, maybe, but couldn’t confirm any of it. Steve had found nothing, and Loki declined to mention his own brief meeting, if such it could be called.

He could see the disappointment on Steve’s face, though he tried to hide it. “Well,” he said, “it’s only the first day, and they were pretty narrow parameters. Maybe tomorrow we can start canvassing…broaden the net a little. And keep our ears open. I don’t think he’ll have left the city.”

Loki caught a flash of doubt across Wilson’s face, brief and quick but still present. “Yeah,” he said simply. “Maybe. Though I don’t know if it’s a great idea to just go searching blindly. If we freak him out and he bolts before we find him, there’s no way to know where he’ll go.”

Steve’s expression flickered and went a little stubborn. “I’m not going to just stop looking and wait for more rumors to pop up. It’s been almost ten days already.”

“So he might not even be in this city anymore,” Wilson said. “I’m just saying.”

“Loki,” Steve said. “What do you think?”

Loki felt a stab of guilt somewhere underneath his sternum, though he didn’t let it show on his face, not even slightly. “I would not expect my opinion to carry much weight in this case.”

Steve gave him an odd look. “I’m just asking what you think.”

Loki sat back and crossed his legs, carefully. “I think you are both slightly right. This entire city is a fairly large area for three to attempt to canvass for one man who is, presumably, skilled at remaining hidden. On the other hand, a delay doesn’t seem advisable either. It seems to me we need to find a way to encourage him to come to us.”

“How?” Steve asked. “I don’t know what he wants.”

“Right now, at a guess?” Loki kept his hands carefully folded. “He wants to know whose orders he’s supposed to be following. That is what he’s been programmed to do, is it not? And suddenly no one is in command.”

Wilson was watching him closely in a way Loki wasn’t certain he liked. “So he’s adrift, confused. Trying to figure things out. Do you have a suggestion?”

“Give him a handler.” The look Steve gave him was sharp, almost offended, but Loki forged forward. “Do you know any of HYDRA’s codes? How they communicated?”

“No,” Steve said, but then added, quickly, “but I bet – I can get in touch with someone who might.”

“Then put out a message using one of those channels with a set meeting place.”

“The minute Sergeant Barnes sees someone who’s not HYDRA, he’ll run,” Wilson said, though he sounded thoughtful.

“So we’d need someone Bucky wouldn’t recognize to get him to come in,” Steve said, and while he still looked uncertain it wasn’t outright refusal. “Which means, unless we want to bring someone else in…”

“Not necessarily,” Loki interrupted. “I am rather…conspicuous. And we don’t know how much Barnes does or does not know about the attack on New York.” He kept his voice even, neutral. “I can, however, set a glamour on one of you to make you look like someone else. Perhaps someone he would know, even.”

Wilson crossed his arms. “I don’t know. Seems likely to go bad fast. When he figures out he’s been tricked…”

“But,” Loki countered, “we will know where he is, and have a chance to bring him to a safe place.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I suppose it depends on your priorities.” Steve’s mouth was hidden behind his hand.  “I and whoever is not disguised would stay nearby, in case anything were to…go wrong.”

Steve looked up, slowly. “Say we do this. Would I be the one who-”

“Goes in disguise? I’d say no,” Wilson interrupted. “You want him to trust you, right? Starting out with you being the one to trick him isn’t a good way to manage that. Well, this whole idea isn’t, but if Sergeant Barnes is here, Loki’s right – it’s one way to get him to come out rather than running around after rumors. I volunteer as HYDRA tribute.” Loki and Steve both stared at him, and Wilson shook his head. “Never mind, it’s a – yeah, never mind. This disguise thing, glamour, whatever, it doesn’t have any side effects, does it?”

“None I would anticipate.” Loki couldn’t help but feel faintly pleased, and slightly more charitable toward Sam Wilson. Whether or not he had realized Loki’s intentions – to keep Steve at a distance until one or both of them could evaluate the Winter Soldier’s state of mind – he had made a convincing argument for the same end. “But of course – Steve, it is up to you.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, after a moment, his voice nearly inaudible. “Up to me.” He took a deep breath. “I think…I think we do it. I’ll feel better knowing where Bucky is, at least, and knowing that he’s safe. If that means pissing him off in the short term…so be it.” He stood up. “I’ve got to make a call. Start getting this set up. What location should I give?”

“Somewhere out of the way,” Wilson suggested. “If it does come down to a fight…I don’t want to worry about civilians getting caught in the crossfire.” Steve nodded his agreement, and Wilson seemed to take a moment to think. “Somewhere in Southwest Waterfront? It’s still fairly central, easy to get to, but we’re more likely to find a quiet place where we won’t be putting people in danger. I’ll do some poking around and get back to you on that, Steve.”

Steve nodded, and stepped out. Loki wondered who he was calling, and was cut off in guessing by Wilson’s question, “is there something I should know about what you’re planning?”

“I believe I said everything relevant.”

“Uh huh.” Wilson’s doubt was clear. “I have a feeling you’ve got something in mind. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you’re pretty sure Steve wouldn’t like it. He’s a little distracted right now, but I’m still watching.”

Loki felt his shoulders tense. “All I’m trying to do,” he said, a little more tightly, “is make sure that the Captain doesn’t get himself killed.”

“You always call him that? Or do you use his name sometimes?”

Loki’s head snapped around and he narrowed his eyes at Wilson. “Are you accusing me of something?”

The man held up both hands, quickly. “No,” he said, “Nuh uh. Just noticing.”

“If you do not trust my intentions,” Loki said, feeling his shoulders tense, “perhaps you should inform _Steve._ ” He emphasized the name, deliberately, though it felt…strange. Like exposing some part of himself, which was absurd.

“It’s not that,” Wilson said, and leaned back in his chair. “Bizarrely enough, I actually kind of do. Doesn’t mean I’m not still confused about how you go from trying to conquer the world to being Captain America’s boyfriend, but that’s none of my business. Right now, I’m just trying to figure out where you’re at. You seem a little…tetchy.”

“Do I.” Loki resolved to control himself better. If Wilson had noticed, Steve could not be far behind. “As I said. My concern is with Steve.”

“Yeah, you’ve said.” Wilson leaned forward, elbows on his thighs, and sighed.  “I know it’s none of my business,” He said, after a moment. “But…you and Steve, whatever’s going on…”

Loki felt himself tense. “You are right,” he said, tightly. “It is none of your business.”

To his relief, Wilson didn’t press further. Steve returned a few minutes later. Loki dodged Steve’s attempt to put his arm around him and went to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water, pretending he didn’t feel both of their eyes on his back.

One way or another, Loki told himself, soon, it would all be over.

* * *

Sam Wilson chose the place: a parking lot, boxed in on two corners and bordered only by a narrow street that was barely an alley on the other. Steve sent the message. He seemed relieved to be moving, to be _doing._ The trap was set; now it was a matter of seeing it sprung.

It took a fair bit of maneuvering to ensure Steve was where Loki wanted him: far enough away that he would be out of danger if need be, but not so far that he realized he was being placed. Steve kept trying to catch his eye, frowning slightly, so he must have guessed something was going on, but Loki doubted he knew what.

“Stay here until Sam passes on the signal,” Loki said, and turned to go to his own post, but Steve caught his arm.

“Loki,” he said, “is something up?”

Loki turned his head just enough to raise his eyebrows in Steve’s direction. “Is now really the time?”

Steve’s grip didn’t loosen, his gaze focused and earnest. “So something is.”

“No,” Loki said, trying to make his voice patient. “It is not. Don’t fret at me, Captain. We have your friend to catch.”

Steve’s eyebrows pulled together. “Something’s bothering you, Loki, I can tell it is-”

“If it is,” Loki said, beginning to feel his patience fray, “don’t you think we can discuss it later?” He extracted himself from Steve’s grip and teleported away. He regretted it a moment later, standing at his post, cloaked from sight and with a clear view of Wilson in his disguise and all the points of approach to him. If this went badly…that might have been his chance to say goodbye. Or at least to have a friendly one.

Wilson paced back and forth, wearing the skin of a nondescript man. Loki had been careful with the details, down to the pin on his collar that Wilson had described. He’d taken a look in the mirror after Loki had placed the glamour and shuddered a little. _Weird,_ he’d said, but he seemed to be wearing it comfortably enough now.

Wilson didn’t trust him, Loki thought, which was fair. Perhaps even just. That alone might be reason enough to approve, or at least accept. Steve would need a friend, whatever happened here.

Loki’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out and glanced at the message. _Guy’s running late. Anyone see anything?_ It said. Loki tapped out a simple _no_ and settled back on his heels. He wondered what Steve was thinking. If he was eager or nervous or confident in anticipated success.

A car drove down the street, and Loki checked the area its headlights illuminated, and saw nothing.

His phone buzzed again and he glanced at it. _Steve hasn’t responded._ It could be nothing. It probably was nothing; Steve hadn’t heard his phone or something similar. But if it wasn’t….

Steve had been the one to encode the message. If he’d said something else…or if the Winter Soldier had caught on to the trap…

His phone buzzed again. _Stay where you are. I’m going to check it out._

Loki was halfway through sending Wilson a message telling him to stay where he was and let Loki see what was going on when he heard a sharp cry, suddenly cut off. Loki transported himself down to the parking lot and hit the ground running, scanning every way. _Steve,_ he thought, not quite wildly, and headed in his direction, teleporting himself to where he’d left him between one moment and the next.

Loki could hear what sounded like a fight nearby. His eyes snagged briefly on Wilson, pushing himself up and holding a hand to the side of his head, which was bleeding profusely but not, at a glance, dangerously.

“Go,” Wilson hissed. “Steve’s after him-”

Loki needed no further urging. He took a fraction of a second to tap into his magic, activate the locating spell, and twist through space to where Steve was.

He took everything in in a few seconds. Metal arm at Steve’s throat, knife glittering in his right hand, and Loki didn’t think before he moved. He didn’t bother with finesse. Metal warped under his grip as he wrapped his fingers around the metal limb and used it like a lever to fling the Winter Soldier away from Steve and into the nearest wall. He hadn’t even hit ground when Loki was stalking toward him, the sound of Steve gasping raggedly for breath loud in his ears. His blood was surging in his ears, hot and savage and the man got to his feet and lunged like a wild animal.

Loki’s fingers caught his throat and bore him back into the wall hard enough that concrete cracked, hand pressing into flesh and he could feel a pulse pounding wildly against his fingers. The metal hand scrabbled at his arm and Loki didn’t even think before he shattered it. All he could think was _kill kill kill_ in a red haze and he could feel this creatures’ struggles weakening but it wasn’t enough, he wanted _blood._

His knife was in his hand with a thought, and then there were fingers around his wrist, and before he could break them, break everything that stood between him and the _elimination of this crawling beast_ he heard Steve’s voice, full of fear and anger: “Loki, _stop!_ ”

His heart was pounding. So was the pulse against his palm. He could rip it out with just a little bit of effort. Finish it.

“Loki, please,” Steve said, a touch of desperation in his voice. “Let him go. Listen to me. If you do this…”

 _I will never forgive you._ He didn’t say it. He didn’t need to.

He released the man’s throat and he crumpled to the ground in a coughing heap. Rage was still burning through him. _Just do it,_ something in him whispered. _You’ve already lost Steve. Burn this creature from the surface of the earth and finish the rest._ Steve dropped to his knees next to the Winter Soldier – next to Barnes – and he shrank away with an almost animal noise.

“He was going to kill you,” Loki said. Steve didn’t turn to look at him.

“No,” he said, voice short. “He wasn’t. Bucky. Bucky, it’s me.”

“He already _did_ try to kill you,” Loki said. His voice sounded thick and strange. Steve reached for Barnes again, and this time he didn’t pull away, though his body language suggested that he wanted to.

“I don’t – I don’t _know,_ I don’t understand,” Loki heard, muffled. “I didn’t – who am I, who _am_ I-”

Steve shook his head, murmured, “it’s fine.” To Loki, he added, “so did you.”

Loki’s breathing trembled on the inhale. _I want him dead._ But he already knew that wasn’t going to happen. That Steve would never let this broken creature die. He hadn’t let Loki, after all, and what was Loki to Steve, really?

A rehearsal, maybe, for this.

Loki took a step back. “Steve,” he said, not sure what to follow it with.

“I think you should go,” Steve said, his voice rough. From nearly being strangled, or perhaps from tears, Loki didn’t know. Didn’t want to know. “Loki…”

“Of course,” he said. His voice sounded strange still, far away. He thought Steve might have started to turn, to look at him, finally, but he left before he could. He didn’t want to know what Steve would say. Feared Steve would ask him to heal Barnes. He didn’t think he would be able to say yes.

His rooms felt cold and empty. Loki curled up on the couch and wondered how long he had until one of them came and told him that he had to go. _Not long now._ Perhaps he should leave before they had the chance.

He could not, though. Not when there was still a chance, no matter how small, that Steve might come and see him one more time.

* * *

Loki half expected the knock on his door to be someone, perhaps Stark coming to tell him to leave – at best. Perhaps something a little firmer, at worst. He would have fought them. It was Steve, however, looking tired and tense. He looked at Loki and Loki looked back at him, keeping his face expressionless. “Yes?” he said, after a few moments of silence that began to make him want to twitch.

“Can I talk to you?” Steve asked.

“It would seem you are talking to me now.” Loki stepped back. He felt brittle, and he expected Steve to push in just the right places. He couldn’t say for certain that he would be wrong. But he knew he didn’t want Steve to stay out of pity, or duty, and he suspected that was all that would be left.

Steve stepped in, and closed the door quietly behind him. “Bucky’s…somewhere safe,” he said, after a moment. Loki noted the vagueness. “Getting the best care. He remembers me, but not much else. I’ve been there since…but I wanted to see you.”

Loki did not allow even the pretense of empathy to cross his face. “Did you.”

Steve gave him an odd look, then shook his head. “Yes,” he said. “I did. You left…when you left. I thought you were going back to Sam’s. When I called him and you weren’t there…”

“You told me to go.” Loki wasn’t quite able to keep the accusation out of his voice. “I was merely following orders, Captain. I wasn’t aware my further presence would be needed.”

“It wasn’t – what?” Steve frowned, and shook his head again. “Is everything…I’m not mad at you, Loki. Is that what you’re worried about?”

“I am not worried.” Loki let his lips turn upwards in a small, thin, smile. “And your concern is unnecessary, though I thank you for the show of it. Is that all?”

“No, that’s not-” Steve’s frown deepened. “What’s gotten into you? You’re…upset.” He spoke carefully, like he was trying to guess. “Was I – I guess maybe it sounded harsh, when I said…I didn’t mean it to. I was just – you scared me.”

“Worried that I was falling back into old habits?” Loki asked, arching his eyebrows. “Well, you certainly needn’t be concerned about that. I never left them.”

“Loki,” Steve said, slowly, “you’re acting…can you talk to me? I wanted to make sure you understood that I wasn’t – that I’m not…I understand why you acted the way you did.”

“Why I tried to kill your friend,” Loki said, ruthlessly. “And do you?”

“When you arrived it must’ve looked like he was trying to kill me, and I know that – must have scared you. Or made you angry, or however you want to put it. And when I told you to leave…I just didn’t want things to get worse.”

“Of course not,” Loki said, smoothing his voice. “I understand entirely.”

Steve looked relieved. “You do?”

“Mmm. You needed to remove the dangerous element from the situation.” Loki smiled, the kind of gentle expression that was full of barbs and stretched his mouth strangely. “It makes perfect sense, Captain.”

“Remove the – what are you talking about?” Steve’s eyes narrowed, but Loki had his full attention, now, and this was such a familiar, easy dance. Loki had always been best at angering those he cared about most, and driving them away was rather a specialty. “Loki, I’m serious. Can you tell me what’s going on? What you’re thinking? I can’t guess.”

“There’s no need for you to. I’ve been perfectly honest,” Loki chirped, and could almost hear Steve’s jaw click together, anger flashing across his eyes before he smothered it.

“I thought we were past this,” Steve said, though the strain was audible in his voice.

Loki felt stretched thin and tight as wire. He cocked his head, summoned an innocent smile. “Past what?”

“Don’t do this,” Steve said, his jaw working. “The last thing I need right now is another argument. I’ve had enough of those today.”

“I don’t intend to argue with you.” Loki kept his voice mild, calm. Steve made a frustrated noise and took a step forward. Loki took a step back. “Though I’m afraid I’m rather lost as to why you are here.”

Steve stared at him. “I’m here because I want to talk to you. About what happened, and what’s happening.”

“Talk away.”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on and what’s wrong. And don’t try to tell me nothing’s wrong, I can _see_ it. I know you, Loki, and I know when you’re being deliberately obtuse-”

“Does it matter?” Loki heard a slight note of bitterness creep into his mild voice, and let it. Steve stopped, frowned.

“Does what matter?” he asked.

“What’s wrong,” Loki asked. “What is, as you say, _going on._ Does it matter? I should think you have enough to deal with. There is Sergeant Barnes to think of.”

“Of course it matters,” Steve said, his voice sharpening. “What you’re feeling matters to me, of course-”

“It matters because it inconveniences you.” Loki smiled, and this time it felt sharp, mocking, and fit his mouth much better. “Because you hoped to come here and cry on my shoulder. Or maybe not. Maybe you’re here to fuck me, to purge the tension from your body in mine.” Loki let his eyes widen. “Were you hoping for the chance to use me like a whore?”

“What the –” Steve looked sick, for a moment, and he took a step forward again. “Loki, all I wanted to do was talk, but you’re-”

“I’m what?” Loki let his smile widen. “Being unreasonable? I’m told it’s one of my talents.”

“Are you trying to chase me out?” Steve set his feet apart, planted them like he could physically refuse to be moved. “Is that what you’re doing? _Why?_ I told you I’m not mad about Bucky-”

“And that’s what everything is about, isn’t it,” Loki said, and the ugly note burst into his voice in full force, nasty and harsh. “ _Bucky Barnes._ Your noble, lost friend. What isn’t about him?”

“Are you mad at _me?_ ” Steve demanded, still looking bewildered, but frustrated and angry too. “If you could just talk to me straight-”

“Angry with you? How could I be?” Loki tossed his head back. “I haven’t the right, after all. Not with what I am.”

“You know I don’t like – of course you have the right to – _what’s going on,_ ” Steve asked, again, voice loud and strident. “If this is about me telling you to leave, I’m sorry, but-”

“Don’t be sorry. I told you. I _understand._ ”

“Loki-”

“Are you going to go on apologizing? Because it’s really becoming quite tiresome.” Loki took a step forward, reached out to let his hand brush across Steve’s hip. He jerked back, sharply. “Why don’t you let me see to your baser needs? I’m sure it won’t take long.”

“Loki,” Steve said, a warning in his voice. “Stop acting like…stop acting like this and just tell me what’s _wrong._ ”

“Like this?” Loki asked, voice full of thorns. “Like what? Like a whore? Why not? It’s what I am, isn’t it? Don’t be coy. I know where I stand. Or rather-”

“You know I don’t think of you like-”

“So what do you think of me as?” Loki asked, and he could hear the vibration in his voice, ready to crack. “A monster? A murderer? _Your pet?_ ”

“Why are you doing this?” Steve said, not quite a cry.

“Doing what?”

“Making me fight you!” Steve yelled, his voice rising precipitously. “I can’t fight a war on two fronts, Loki. I can’t fight you and Bucky and everyone else-”

“Then perhaps you’d better choose,” Loki said, letting his teeth flash in a nearly feral smile. “Or you’re going to lose both, aren’t you?”

“I’d better – _what?_ ” Steve shook his head. “No, I’m not-”

Loki took a step toward him. “Come, Captain. Pick your battles. Isn’t that what they say? So choose.” Steve stared at him, seemingly uncomprehending, and Loki smiled mirthlessly at him.

“Choose? Between you and-” Steve shook his head again. “What the hell are you talking about? This isn’t – a competition, or something-”

“Isn’t it?”

“Is _that_ what’s been bothering you?” Steve demanded, somewhere between confused and incredulous. Loki kept his own face impassive. “You’re _jealous?_ Of all the-”

“Oh, yes,” Loki said, and he could hear the bitterness slide into his voice. “Tell me it’s foolish. Tell me it’s _petty._ But we both know who comes first in your life. I understand, of course. How could I _ever_ think to match your lifelong friend?”

“That’s not-” Steve took a step forward, then back. “You and Bucky – you aren’t-”

“The same?” Loki laughed, quietly. “No, of course not. After all, he didn’t _choose_ his villainy.”

“Loki, I’m trying to talk to you about this-”

Loki smiled, placidly. “Oh, I wholly understand. After having made such progress with _me…_ surely it’s time to move on to the case that _really_ matters.”

 “You’re not-”

“Even you can only take on one project at a time.”

“ _You’re not a project._ ”

Steve spoke through his teeth, and his voice was loud and harsh enough that for a moment Loki was taken aback, enough to look at him. His fists were clenched and his jaw was set and Steve looked…glorious. Loki thought he saw his shoulders tremble. “Have I not been clear enough about that? You’re not a _project,_ Loki. You’re my partner.” Loki opened his mouth, and Steve interrupted. “No, stop it, _listen to me._ You’re my partner and, _dammit,_ I love you.”

Loki’s lungs felt airless and empty.

“Do you get that? _I love you_ and that’s why I need your support in this, because I’m scared and confused and I don’t know what I’m doing. I need you to _help me._ You’re telling me to choose? I can’t _choose_. It’s not like this is some – some carnival game. You’re a piece of my life and so is Bucky. If you want me to leave – fine, but don’t – don’t you _dare_ try to say that I don’t love you. That you don’t _matter._ ”

Loki tried to suck in a breath, to say something, but he couldn’t get the air past his throat. _I love you._ He remembered hearing that once before, but it had been easy to dismiss, then, as meaningless, something said while half asleep. This was Steve looking at him with his jaw tight and his eyes bright with unshed tears.

“I’m not going to leave you. Is that what you need to hear? Because I’m not. But I’m not going to leave Bucky, either.”

Loki swallowed, hard. “He needs you,” he said. “I do not.”

“Maybe,” Steve said, after a moment. “But right now, I need _you._ ”

Loki felt himself waver. His chest was tight and he couldn’t breathe but shallowly. Some instinct screamed at him to run, but he couldn’t, not anymore. “Steve,” he said, voice nearly inaudible.

“Can’t you trust me?” Steve said, and Loki’s heart cracked at the almost plaintive note in his voice. “Just a little?”

Loki glanced down and away. “If I knew how to trust anyone,” he said, just as quietly. “It would be you.”

Steve’s shoulders slumped, in the corner of his vision, and Loki felt a pang. He took a cautious step toward him and reached out slowly, brushing his fingers cautiously against his shoulder. _You deserve better._

“I am sorry,” he said finally, even more quietly.

“Don’t apologize,” Steve said, though his voice sounded heavy. “Just don’t…I can’t fight with you. I need…I don’t know.” Steve rubbed his forehead. “Everything’s…”

Loki closed his eyes for a moment, then moved over to the couch and sat down. He looked down at his hands. “I wouldn’t blame you. For leaving me. I even believe it wouldn’t be intentional. I am merely…I am not what he is to you.”

“You’re not ‘merely’ anything.” Steve sounded frustrated, and it made Loki want to flinch. “Aren’t you listening to me? And what do you mean it wouldn’t be ‘intentional?’”

Loki’s fingers twisted together. _You need me right now. What about when you do not?_ He didn’t know how to say it without sounding like a desperate fool.  _You will remember that you deserve better than me._ “It doesn’t matter.”

“What doesn’t,” Steve demanded. “The fact that you apparently think I’m that – that _faithless?_ ”

Loki let out a faint, breathless laugh. “It is hardly faithless to prioritize the more important over the less.”

Steve’s hands were on either side of his face, suddenly, pulling his head up to force Loki to meet his eyes. He was kneeling in front of the couch, and the posture was jarring, _wrong_. “You’re not less important. You’re different – different people, and I don’t want to live in a world where I only get one of you. I want you to know Bucky – the real Bucky – and I want Bucky to know _you,_ I want, I want-” Steve’s voice thickened and tears spilled over his eyelids, and if he half looked like he wanted to pull back and swipe them away he didn’t.

“I would have killed him,” Loki said, but his voice sounded small, weak. “Are you truly prepared to just let that go, that I would have murdered your best friend before you could have him back-”

“I am,” Steve said, and gave Loki a little bit of a shake. “I’ve already let it go. I just need…I need to know you’re on my side. That we’re _together_ on this.”

Loki’s chest felt tight. “I am.” He forced himself to meet Steve’s eyes. “I’m with you.”

Steve’s head dropped forward and rested on Loki’s knees, his head bowed. Loki could feel dampness soaking through his pants, see the faint tremble in Steve’s shoulders. It felt wrong, sitting here looking down at Steve, like he had any right, like he shouldn’t have been groveling at his feet and begging for forgiveness.

 _Right now, I need_ you.

Loki reached out and ran his fingers gently into Steve’s hair, motions halting and uncertain. “Steve,” he said, softly. “Steve…it’ll be all right.”

Steve made a very quiet, muffled sob that felt like a knife twisting in Loki’s chest. His hands rested on Loki’s legs, digging into muscle. Loki kept his fingers moving, fingernails dragging lightly over his scalp, and tried to hope that he would be enough.

* * *

Steve spent the days with James Barnes, wherever he was, and his nights with Loki. He came back and crawled exhausted into Loki’s arms, face drawn and tight and unhappy. Loki did his best to soothe, to comfort. It never seemed to help. Steve told him it did, that he was grateful, and he always did come back, but to Loki…

It seemed like very little.

“He’s getting better,” Steve said, when Loki asked – and only when Loki asked. “I mean – I think. It’s slow progress, and it’s just…” Steve sighed, heavily. “Whatever they did…it hurts him, trying to remember.” He hesitated, glancing suddenly at Loki. “If you don’t want to talk about this…”

“I won’t break,” Loki said, making himself smile. “Besides…do you talk to anyone else about this?”  Steve’s lack of response was answer enough. “I don’t mind,” he made himself say, though it did still make something in him ache, the way Steve talked about Bucky. So much care, so much love.

When Steve wasn’t with him, Loki slept. He tried to remember everything he knew about mental tampering that didn’t involve the Tesseract, wondering if there was anything that would be useful, and then wondered what he would do if he did think of something.

The truly surprising visit was from Sam Wilson, who dropped by only briefly and bearing Thai takeout to thank him for helping. Loki supposed he meant with tracking down Barnes, though he wasn’t sure why _Wilson_ would be grateful, and tried to ignore the thoughtful, considering glances Wilson threw in his direction.

Loki thought he had been more comfortable with the distrust.

Most of Loki’s energy continued to go to Steve. When Steve wasn’t there, Loki felt hollow and empty as an upturned basin, and it felt like he was fighting a losing battle. Against Steve, against himself, Loki wasn’t certain. Maybe it didn’t matter.

He didn’t mention to Steve his dreams of being back under Doom’s knife and watching the Captain turn away to save James Barnes instead.

“Loki,” Steve said quietly, in the dark, his fingers running through Loki’s hair. “I just wanted to say…thank you. For everything.” Loki felt himself tense.

“That sounds almost like a goodbye, Captain,” Loki said, trying to keep his voice light. Steve’s arm around him tightened.

“ _No,_ ” he said, with almost startling vehemence. “No, it’s not – it’s not like that.” He paused, for a few moments, and then said even more quietly, “I wanted to ask…if I could take you to see Bucky.”

Whatever Loki had expected, it wasn’t that. For a moment he stared blankly at Steve, half certain it was a joke, but it didn’t sound like one. When he did open his mouth, Loki spoke carefully. “Are you sure that is what you want?”

“Am I – yes, of course!” Steve seemed taken aback by the question. “I’ve wanted you to meet for – a long time, and even though he’s still not…the doctor says he can take one extra visitor.”

Loki half closed his eyes. “Last time we met I tried to kill him.”

Steve drew back and met his eyes levelly. “Are you planning to try again?”

Loki couldn’t hold that gaze for long. “No.” That was true, at least. That was a fight he’d surrendered.

“Then it’s fine.” Steve took a deep breath. “If you don’t want to – I understand. And I’m not asking for you to _do_ anything. Just to go, introduce yourself, maybe say a few things. That’s all. But if you don’t…”

 _Are you asking me because you know if he attacks one of your friends I am least likely to suffer permanent damage?_ Loki thought, but that was unkind. Steve did not deserve his doubts. Steve deserved a better man. But he hadn’t given up on Loki yet.

“If you wish it,” Loki said, “though I doubt my presence will mean anything to him.”

“It means something to me,” Steve said, and his voice was quiet but firm, his hand shifting to curl around the back of Loki’s neck. “And I…I’ve told him about you. Some.”

Loki blinked, feeling a peculiar anxiety whose source he couldn’t quite identify. “About me?” Loki summoned a crooked smile. “What about me?”

“That you’re my friend,” Steve said immediately. “And also that you’ve been – that you did some things.” Steve’s eyes slid away a little. “I didn’t say a lot, but he’s – he needs to know that the things he did as the Winter Soldier don’t make him a bad person.”

Loki felt his eyes shudder. “And he did not even choose his path,” he said, quietly.

Steve’s fingers squeezed on the back of his neck. “Loki,” he said, voice firm again. “The things you did don’t make you a bad person either.”

“But it was my choice,” Loki said. “It wasn’t his.”

Steve’s hands were on either side of his face. “How long are you going to keep driving me away before you figure out that it’s not going to work?” He said, voice quiet but firm. “I’m not comparing you and Bucky. I just…I have a chance for my best friend and my – lover,” Steve still flushed a little, saying that, “to meet each other. Can’t I just want that?”

 _I should be everything to you,_ Loki thought, _as you are to me,_ but that was…he could not demand that of Steve.

“Very well,” he said, after a moment. “I’ll go.”

Steve kissed his forehead, then his lips. “Thank you,” he murmured. Loki let his eyes close.

* * *

They took a car. Romanova drove, giving Loki one long, skeptical look before ignoring him for the rest of the way. “He’s not in the Tower?” Loki asked Steve. Steve shook his head.

“Clint and Tony both said…and it’s not like it’s really a healing environment,” Steve added, joking weakly. Loki wondered what Barton and Stark had said. He remembered that Romanova had been in danger as well, and his mouth quirked as he contemplated the possibility that he and Barton might agree on something.

“True enough,” Loki allowed. “I can attest to that well enough.” He kept his voice light, but could almost feel his chest ache, though it was nothing but a memory.

They left the city behind, though not by too far, and pulled up a long driveway to a property in a small patch of woods. “This place is owned by SHIELD,” Steve said, and Loki could hear the nerves in his voice. “For agents who’ve…anyway.”

“I’d keep your head down if I were you,” Romanova said, her eyes meeting Loki’s briefly in the rear view mirror. “There’s a few good people I’d say you put here.”

Loki glanced out the window as they slowed to a stop. “I appreciate the warning.”

A woman with a pistol at her hip greeted them, her eyes lingering briefly on Loki, and escorted them through three pairs of locked doors. Somewhere around the second, Romanova slipped away, and Loki wondered idly if she had someone else to visit here or just wished to give Steve his privacy.

Steve scanned a card and his eye to open the last door, and held it open for Loki. They were standing in a small room, one more door in front of them. A young man sitting at the desk stood up when they entered.

“How’s he doing?” Steve asked anxiously.

“Pretty good, today.” The young man’s badge identified him as Mark Yonef, RN. “Fairly calm, stable…he’s been quiet. Broody, I guess.” Yonef glanced at him and then did a bit of a double-take. Loki raised his eyebrows fractionally and the man looked quickly away, putting a clipboard with a few sheets of paper on it quickly in front of Steve. “Sign on in, you know the drill. And you, uh…”

“I’ll puzzle it out,” Loki said with a thin smile, and though Steve cast him a reproachful look, Mark Yonef seemed relieved.

“I’ll buzz you in once you’re set,” he said, to Steve, and sat down again, burying his nose in his computer.

Steve filled out the clipboard and then slid it over to Loki. Most of the fields barely applied, and after a moment of hesitation over his name he wrote _Laufeyson_ with a flourish and ignored the sidelong glance he could feel from Steve.

Then they were buzzed through the last set of doors, and Loki took a deep breath and braced himself before following Steve through.

They were not, Loki thought, uncomfortable quarters. Nothing could quite erase the feeling of a cell – or perhaps Loki was merely attuned to that feeling – but they were not entirely barren. Loki wondered if Steve had had a hand in furnishing them.

But looking at the room was a distraction. Their true purpose, the rooms’ sole inhabitant, was on his feet, staring at them wild-eyed. Loki felt himself tense, but Steve didn’t pause before going over and embracing the man who had been Bucky Barnes.

Barnes did not reciprocate, though Loki thought his right hand, the human one, might have twitched as though he considered it. His gaze dropped and then raised, looking at Loki – but without animosity or anger, just a strange kind of blankness. It made Loki’s skin crawl.

“Afternoon, Buck,” Steve said, voice just slightly muffled. “How’re you doing?”

Barnes didn’t answer, for a moment, and then said, “who is he?”

Steve released the embrace and turned. “That’s Loki. I told you he was coming.”

“I’d think you’d remember me,” Loki said, his voice dry. “I nearly broke your neck.”

Barnes’s expression flickered. “Sometimes my memories get weird,” he said, after a moment. “It’s not…things aren’t always clear.” He glanced at Steve, almost, Loki thought, like he was looking for permission, and then took a step forward away from him. Loki didn’t miss that the movement left him exposed, noticed the way he held himself, head slightly tipped back to bare his throat.

Loki felt his stomach do a peculiar twist. “No matter,” he said, idly. “As I informed the Captain, I do not intend to try again.”

Barnes just looked at him for a moment, and then glanced away. Steve looked back and forth between them, and Loki forestalled any question he might have asked by stepping forward and taking a seat. “As the Captain said, I am Loki. I’m afraid we haven’t…formally met.”

Barnes hesitated, and then said, almost as if by rote, “James Barnes. Or Bucky.” He glanced at Steve, and said, “most people seem to use that.”

 _Does it not feel like your name anymore?_ Loki thought. _It doesn’t quite fit, not like it used to. You know it was yours, once, but now…_

Loki inclined his head a fraction. “I think I shall call you James, for the moment.” He crossed his legs delicately and cocked his head to the side. “Steve tells me he’s mentioned me.”

“Once or twice, yeah,” Barnes said, with another slight glance at Steve like he was looking for approval, or perhaps checking for disapproval. Loki wondered if Steve was aware that if he wasn’t careful he might end up merely substituting himself as his friend’s new handler.

“Mmm. I hope not he has not been boring you.” Loki’s skin felt like it was trying to crawl, the walls seeming to press in. He wondered if Barnes felt the same or if it was just him, feeling the bonds of love and grief and hope binding the other two men together and choking on them.

Barnes gaze drifted away for a moment, and then came back. “I didn’t know you…before, did I.” It wasn’t a question.

“You did not.” Loki saw Steve shift, could almost feel his nervous gaze.

“Then why are you here?” Barnes’ face was tight, and if his body language was tense and wary his voice was firm.

Loki considered Barnes for a long moment, and then cocked his head slightly in Steve’s direction. “I am here for him.”

Steve shifted. “Bucky,” he said, and Barnes shook his head, suddenly.

“I don’t – can I talk to him for a minute? Alone?”

Loki kept his expression from registering surprise and held himself still, wondering what Barnes wanted with him. Steve looked startled, and for a moment slightly hurt, and then confused. But he stood up, glancing briefly at Loki. “All right,” he said. “That’s…all right. Can I see you again? Before we go?”

“Yeah,” Barnes said, avoiding Steve’s gaze, though he returned the embrace he was given, however weakly. “Yeah, sure.”

Steve reached out and touched Loki’s shoulder, briefly, meeting his eyes like he was about to say something, then just bent down and kissed his cheek lightly before striding back out the door. Loki stretched out his legs and tilted his head back. After a moment, Barnes sat down in the other chair, though he didn’t look comfortable in it.

It would be easy, Loki thought, to tear Barnes apart with a few carefully chosen words. Perhaps leave him beyond all hope of recovery. Convince him to push Steve away and refuse his visits. The thought was hardly more than a blink, and it tasted sour on the back of his tongue.

“You didn’t know me,” Barnes said after a moment. “When I was…when I was his friend.”

Loki inclined his chin. “I knew of you. Prior to perhaps a month ago, we’d never met.”

“Right.” Barnes looked like he was trying to gear up for something. Loki half closed his eyes.

“I know what it’s like,” he said, suddenly. “Having someone look at you like that. Like you’re still the same person they knew, and you are not.” Barnes’s eyes cut to him, almost sharply. Loki shrugged one shoulder. “Just a thought.” Barnes looked skeptical, and Loki half smiled, wryly. “You’ll never convince him.”

“I know.” Barnes twisted his hands together, pulled them apart and put them back at his sides. Loki could almost hear the question: _and what do I do with that?_ Loki didn’t have an answer to that one.

“Why did you want to talk to me?” Loki asked, quietly.

Barnes looked down. “You said you tried to kill me. Why?”

“I believed you were going to kill Steve.” Barnes regarded him, and this time it was Loki’s turn to glance away. “I no longer think that you will. I suspect it was jealousy that made me believe it in the first place, at least in part.”

Barnes didn’t answer for a few moments. “Steve…he says it doesn’t matter what I did. Just what I do now.”

Loki felt a pulse of something that was too bitter to be amusement. “I suspect we both know that’s not exactly accurate.” Barnes stood up and turned away, his shoulders hunched.

“Yeah.”

Loki’s heart twisted and clenched in his chest. “Perhaps you feel you don’t deserve him, James Buchanan Barnes,” he said, standing up. “But consider this: perhaps he deserves to have you.”

He turned and strode out. Steve stood up in a hurry from where he’d been leaning against the wall, looking alarmed. “Is everything-”

“Fine,” Loki said. “I think you should speak to him. I will be waiting outside.”

He found a quiet bench on the grounds and sat there, breathing deeply and listening to the quiet twittering of birds. He couldn’t say for sure what he’d thought to achieve, saying that to Barnes. Couldn’t say what Steve had thought to achieve, bringing him here. His heart ached.

 _What about you,_ whispered the thought at the back of his mind. _Does Thor deserve to have you? Does Steve?_

He heard the soft swish of familiar steps on the grass but didn’t turn to look. Steve’s hands landed on his shoulders. “What did you say?” He asked, quietly, but he didn’t sound upset, more…thoughtful. “You and Bucky, what did you talk about?”

Loki shrugged. “Very little. You, I suppose, mostly.”

Steve hummed quietly, and then let go of Loki’s shoulders and came around the bench. “Budge over,” he said. Loki moved over and Steve sat down next to him, his arm settling around Loki’s shoulders, heavy and warm. Loki leaned into him, closing his eyes.

“How did it go,” Loki asked after a few moments.

“I don’t know,” Steve said, after a moment. “We’re still figuring it out. Getting our balance. But I think it’ll be okay.” He sounded…hopeful. It didn’t make Loki feel as cold as he expected. Steve was quiet for a moment, and then said, “what about us?”

Loki opened his eyes slowly and turned his head to look at Steve. “What do you mean?”

Steve’s gaze was serious, his left hand brushing Loki’s jaw. “Are we okay?”

Loki let his head fall forward so his forehead rested against Steve’s. He’d never known how to have faith. It had never come easily or naturally to him, and he wasn’t sure he knew how to have it now. But he wanted to, he _wanted_ to. Loki swallowed. “I think we will be,” he said, softly. His heart thudded, once, twice, and he angled his head to kiss Steve’s lips, soft and lingeringly.

“I love you,” he said, and it surprised him how easy it was.


End file.
